Today, my friends, I offer you a look inside my mind and heart. This week's blog post is a message I wrote to my friend about my own work. You may read it before she does.
I wanted to share because I imagine you might feel the same way. Life can be difficult with ADHD, and we can make it worse by not managing our minds. Even when we do sometimes the beliefs are hidden.
Today I found one buried so deep inside me that contributed to daily difficulty in my life. I'll share it here because I didn't directly share it in the note.
That is, "Responsibility is a bad thing." Almost hand in hand with, "I don't want to be responsible." and nested inside that one is, "I shouldn't have to be responsible." Is it interesting the things our brains offer us and how we can use them to get in our own way?
The following is the note I sent.
I’m doing some work today for myself that I felt the need to share. I realized that from entirely too early an age I felt responsible. I had to grow up too fast and be the adult because the adults clearly did not know what they were doing and could not be trusted. This is the story I told myself.
Where in comes my deep-seated belief I have to be responsible for all. Which becomes overwhelming with my children especially but my life in general, and sometimes I have to escape it because the burden is too much.
I just found this belief today and realized how it was contributing to overwhelm in my life. So I started asking a lot of questions.
Do I have too much responsibility?
Do I want this responsibility?
Do I really want no responsibility?
Who else should be in charge of my life?
What if I weren’t responsible?
What if it’s not responsibility?
What if I GET to?
I looked up responsibility, and it was the one time google didn’t want to give me a definition as a first suggestion or at all in the predictive text. Instead, it offered synonyms.
They were heavy. They made me feel more burdened than before.
Answerable, liable, culpable, guilty, important, pledged, subject, at fault.
I didn’t want to be any of those things. No wonder I feel so terrible about being responsible all the time. Then the light came. Further down the page, they instead offered ABLE.
Did I want to be able? Of course, that sounds fantastic, but it gets better.
I asked, “What if I were able instead?”
The synonyms: accomplished, brilliant, capable, clever, effective, experienced, skilled, expert, gifted, intelligent, keen, up to it, with it, powerful....and more. These are just the ones I chose.
So, although the weight of the world can feel heavy for us all. I know you feel it more than even I do, which must be incredibly hard. I offer you my work for my head and heart today to see if any of it lightens your load just a bit.
I chose not to be responsible, I instead I chose to be able because I must be, or I wouldn’t be allowed to be where I am in service of the people I’m in service to.
No mistakes were made. We didn’t get on the wrong bus. This is the life we were given because it’s ours, and we are ABLE to handle it beautifully.
The note ended above, but I had a bit more to say. I think of when I was a kid besides building forts, exploring, digging holes, and shooting baskets we rode bikes.
I learned to ride a bit later than other kids, same with reading and with both things when I learned I was unstoppable. What is the point? I'm almost there.
We would ride down the street and the most thrilling thing to me was when I would take my hands off the handlebars and ride. I was ABLE to keep the bike up for good distances and be excited at the same time.
I don't recall this ever causing me to wreck. No damage was done. I think it's time to take my hands off the handlebars of life more often because I'm ABLE.
Please let me know if this resonated with you at all. Do you have beliefs you need to uncover? Book a consultation to see if ADHD Coaching is for you.